This post is to detail my long, difficult, and sometimes excruciating journey with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. The story takes you from the time before I was diagnosed, through my denial of the mere existence of ADHD, right through to becoming an advocate for people with ADHD, learning disabilities, people who have been bullied, and have suffered mental health issues as a result of all those things. This is me, and this is my story.
From the time that I was about 3, my mother couldn't take me anywhere. I would have meltdowns that would be so severe, they could not possibly be explained by just typical tantrums that children have. She tried everything, from being patient right to traditional discipline. It seemed hopeless. Mom would often come home completely exhausted. She would break down in tears and have her own meltdowns. She was truly at wits end. When I was 5, Mom took me to a doctor named Dr. Umesh Jain and it was then that I was diagnosed with ADHD. The reason that I was not diagnosed sooner, is that my pediatrician wanted to wait until I was in school and exhibiting the typical symptoms that appear in young students before sending me to an Attention Deficit specialist. This is when I met the renown Dr. Umesh Jain. According to my parents (because I was way too young to remember exactly how all of this went down), he was an amazing specialist. Anyway, soon after, he moved to Toronto and I hadn't found another specialist who was just as good. So there goes the professional support system my parents were hoping for.
Right from the time I began school, I could not fit in socially, or academically. I was all over the place. As I write this, I'll admit, it's difficult to remember the exact details from elementary school. All I know, is that it was in grade 4 that things really started to get rough for me socially (And would remain that way until I finished high school). Now that I think about it, given how the development of social skills is suppose to play out in children, this is when my delays and challenges would start to present themselves, so it makes sense. However, that's another post for another time, when I write about the development of social skills. Okay, that was a tangent. So sorry lol. Back on track. I hung out with a girl named Holly in grade 4. From what I can remember, she promptly ended the friendship by randomly telling me to "Get to the back of the line" when I was walking with her and another friend one day. That's actually the last time we ever spoke. It was out of nowhere and incredibly hurtful.
Okay, so fast forward to my teen years. I was still not fitting in, and by now, I had learned of my non verbal learning disability that I denied the existence of, just like I had the ADHD. The bullying was terrible. "LOSER" "UGLY" "GO AWAY. NOBODY LIKES YOU" "LONER". Shall I go on? I didn't know how to make friends. I didn't know how to socialize. All I knew, was when someone gave me any kind of positive attention, I leaped at it so fast, I scared them away. I lost everyone who claimed to be my friend. What the hell is wrong with me? I would ask myself this question a million times a day. And that's an understatement. Into my late teens, I was beginning to exhibit lots of attention seeking behaviors. Sexual promiscuity to be one of them. And this continued into my early twenties. I needed and craved the attention of anyone who would give it. I had zero confidence, zero impulse control, and lots of hyperactivity to speak of. I was a complete disaster. And I couldn't keep friends or a relationship due to my tendency to lash out at everyone. I was frustrated, angry, and hurting constantly for affection. But yet "I don't have ADHD. My parents just wanted to drug me" was a phrase I played in my head and made very clear many times, and to the very people trying to support me.
When I was 22, I moved to the big city of Toronto. It was big, fast paced, and completely fabulous...For the first day, out of 9 months. I got a roommate, started looking for a job, and I was doing well for about a month. My roommate and I started arguing constantly,, and I started staying in my room all day because of my social anxiety. One night, we got into an argument that was very heated. I threatened her. I got arrested, but no criminal record thank goodness. I was homeless for about 2 weeks but found another apartment and moved in, only to experience craziness at the hands of those people. My Uncle sent me back to Halifax on the bus. My problems did not stop there. I was lashing out at everyone trying to support me and help me through the mess I was in. My sister and mother were especially targets because they were directly in the line of fire when shit hit the fan. (I will outline how the three of us got to be especially close even after this ordeal in the post I'll write about building relationships and communication). All I can say right now, is that I'm so lucky to have both of them in my life after everything I put them through.
Within 3 months, I had a good job, my own apartment, and I was working hard to turn things around. This is how I learned about resilience. Resilience is one of the most positive traits of ADHD and learning this is how I grew to accept myself as a shiny. Soon after all of this, I met the love of my life, and we are in a successful 4 year relationship, I have the job of my dreams as a disability support worker, and a lovely apartment with a nice car. Sometimes, experiencing your positive traits when you're most vulnerable can be life changing. Thank you so much for reading and I truly hope this inspires you to embrace your shininess and your positive traits. Don't deny yourself the right to accept yourself. Just as you are :) Thanks again for reading and have a SHINY DAY!!!
Signed,
Your neighbourhood Shiny
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