Person 1: "I love shopping at Dynamite."
Persons 2: "Yeah me too, but sometimes they don't have everything I'm looking for."
Person 1: "Yeah, when that happens, I usually go to Garage Clothing as a plan B for shopping."
Person 3: "I had scrambled eggs for breakfast and they were delicious! You must be super rich to shop at Dynamite!!"
Person 1 and 2: *Confused stares and side glances*
...Is it something I said?
Okay folks. I want you to guess which one has the non-verbal learning Disability. It's pretty obvious that Person 3 is a little different from person 1 and 2. Let's try something else...
Person 1 and 2: Laughing about something
Person 3: Approaches person 1 and 2.
Person 1 and 2: Looks up to see who is approaching and goes back to laughing right after.
Person 3: "Do you have some kind of problem with me?"
Person 1 and 2: "What?"
How about now? A little more subtle but still pretty obvious that something is different about the way Person 3 is interpreting those non verbal signals and the laughter. It left Person 1 and 2 very confused and put off by Person 3's abruptness and assumptions that the laughter had to do with her/him. This was me all through school and into my young adult life. I would try to insert myself into conversations and not really know what to say, so I said whatever I could think of, even if it wasn't appropriate. Of course, I was unaware of how inappropriate it could be at times. The comment about someone being obviously rich would be very off putting to people and make them feel uncomfortable around me. People couldn't laugh at a joke without me thinking it was about me. This isn't selfish. It's just the way I interpreted social situations. Also, I was so use to people bullying me and laughing at my expense, that it wouldn't have surprised me. You could see that I was trying to fit in but having no clue how to be a relateable social butterfly like I am today. It would happen at family functions, school, work, social events, etc. Everywhere I went. It got to the point where I was extremely self conscious about doing anything social, or even speaking. I did a video on this in my ADHD facebook group. One of the biggest things that helped me improve my social skills was hanging out with people who encourage me to embrace my real personality. That's key to not only improving your social skills as you learn how to be relateable but without the shame of feeling like you're not wanted around.
Another thing is to improve your conversation skills. While anyone can be affected by an NVLD, it is mostly children that feel the full impact and the negative effects it has because they're developing and trying so hard to fit in at school. As a child, they begin to notice that they're different and have a harder time making friends as they're not developing socially the way the neurotypical child does. If you have a child with an NVLD, the first thing is to teach them to bridge conversations. I'll give you an example.
Person 1: "I'm going shopping for this awesome looking skirt at dynamite."
Person 2: "Yeah there's a pair of jeans that I'm looking at and they're on sale at Garage."
Person 3 (your child): "I love dynamite but find it can be expensive."
Person 1 or 2: "That's why I'm always on the lookout for sales and deals."
See what I did there? I took the above conversation and turned it around so your child is being relateable and sensitive about how they're going about inserting themselves into conversations. This does take a lot of work and practice to start doing naturally, but it is possible. At the end of the conversation, Person 1 and/or 2 are giving positive feedback via continuous conversation. There are no uncomfortable looks or glances. You are now having a conversation and the people you're speaking to are now finding they can relate to you and talk to you.
The next strategy is to make it about them. If you're feeling there's a possibility you could end up feeling left out of a conversation or social gathering or event, make it about them. Make it about the other person, because naturally, people love talking about themselves, and they'll love you if you take an interest in them. It's a sure way to insert yourself into the conversation and make a new friend. I'll give you another example.
Person 1: Starts talking to Person 2 about old memories or about something they did together.
Person 3: Starts feeling a little tense as they don't have those memories to relate with.
Person 3: "So Person 1, did you grow up around here?"
Person 1: "Yeah, just down the road from here, but I spend most of my time in this other area."
WAH-LA!!! Believe it or not, having someone talking about themselves will 99.9% of the time ensure you're now successfully apart of the conversation and might even have a couple new friends, or friends that you feel a little closer with. You also put time and energy into getting to know Person 1 better and they really feel like you've taken an interest in them without crossing lines or boundaries. :)
And the last strategy that I'm going to offer you today, if the beauty of effective listening. This one is especially difficult for people with ADHD and/or NVLD. If you stop and really listen to what the person is saying, it's easier to pick up on things that aren't being said. Such as emotions, facial experessions, etc. It's much easier to show empathy when you can see that they're feeling something. It's also much easier to relate when you listen and learn what's going on in that moment.
I hope you enjoy this post. I truly believe this will help you and your child become more successful in social circles. I practiced all of these strategies and I have a few really close friends and others that enjoy having me around because socializing is a give and take phenomenon. The more you give, the more positive feedback you will get in return and your confidence will begin to grow as will your social life!
Signed,
Your neighbourhood Shiny
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