This topic is incredibly controversial, but if it has to do with sex, it’s like a shiny object that we are drawn to. This analogy doesn’t just apply to people with ADHD, but pretty much everyone. Sex really does sell. It’s juicy and gossipy, and reminds you of your libido and natural human desires. Sex is that thing that people love to hate (because it can be used as self-medication, revenge, a weapon, or spite), and hate to love (because it often leaves you wanting more, no matter how good it was that previous time or partner). It doesn’t matter how much you get, you will always want it again in the future. Sex is also the easiest thing to get. I’m sure there are more than enough “nice guys” out there who would disagree. That’s not really the point I’m trying to make though. Sex is easier to get than money, love, shelter, food, and so on. You don’t need any of those things to have sex.
I have read a ton of headlines reading “Does ADHD cause infidelity?” I absolutely HATE the way this is worded. I don’t care that the online magazine that published the article is an ADHD magazine. It is essentially clickbait and looking for hateful likes and comments, and attempting to start a facebook argument. Nothing ever causes anything. ADHD does not CAUSE cheating. However, I also don’t agree that it is 110% always a choice that people are conscious they are making. People will say that it is, but you know what else is a choice? Crossing the street without looking. It’s impulsive, thoughtless, and you’re likely to get hurt, and piss off a lot of people that you would do such a “stupid thing”. I have done a lot of thinking about this topic. People with ADHD are impulsive, lack confidence, and are often sexually hyperactive (especially when they’re unhappy with themselves at the moment). When someone gives them certain kinds of attention at a time when they’re feeling super needy, they’re more likely to reciprocate. Please remember, they’re not always aware of their neediness. This is where self-awareness comes into play. However, with lack of impulse control, it can make using self awareness much more difficult. Just a reminder, I am NOT excusing the behavior of cheating, but I am explaining how the lack of confidence, lack of impulse control, and sexual hyperactivity can play a role in their decision making. This is why open communication with your partner is such a crucial strategy to curbing your impulsive desires. While it may never be easy for them to hear, being open about your desires, and about what’s making you tick at the moment will save you and your partner a lot of heartbreak, and frustration. It doesn’t matter who you are, everyone on the planet somewhat enjoys it when they grab the attention of another attractive human. That is literally what makes you human. It is your subconscious saying “Make babies with that one.” LOL. However, people with full impulse control, can usually curb those desires and temptations. People with ADHD can, but at times, it can be difficult. Everything is a choice, even the tendencies we have to procrastinate,lose focus, forget things, lack of emotional control, and so on. Even being unfaithful. However, our decision making processes are a lot different from the neurotypical.
I will come right out and say, I have been the cheater. I have hurt the one that I love. I can say that just because I have done things I’m not proud of, doesn’t mean I don’t love my partner. I do with all my heart. The guilt almost killed me when I realized what I had done. I’m not going to go into details or even disclose how far I went because that is irrelevant. I will post below some of the strategies to curb those temptations and desires. It took a lot of courage and faith for him to continue loving me the way he does. It is something we have worked very hard to move on from. To those of you who read this, and decide to hate me, I get it. But it isn’t always what it seems. To those who read this and forgive me, I thank you. And I thank Alex who has forgiven me and has loved me so much and so hard, I couldn’t help but to start loving myself. Thanks for reading and I hope this helps those who struggle with relationships.
Strategies:
-OPEN COMMUNICATION is key. You need to keep telling them how you feel, what you need, and even what kind of sex you want.
-Make sure your partner knows how to make you feel wanted sexually, romantically, and so on.
-Are they fulfilling your fantasies? and often enough? Be open about that too! It makes a huge difference when someone is telling you they can fulfill your fantasies trying to tempt you. Can you think to yourself “Well, I’m already getting that, so I don’t feel like I need that from him/her”?
-MASTURBATION!!! If your partner is gone a lot with work or for whatever reason, and you’re tempted, masturbation will take care of that and you will be incredibly thankful you took this route.
– don’t try to suppress or deny the feelings you’re having because that will make them harder to resist and you will get more tempted. Say it out loud to yourself. But also be realistic about it. Ex: “I want to really fuck that person but I am in a relationship so it’s not going to happen.”
-And last but not least, if you’re unable to fulfill any of the above strategies, forcefully take your mind off of it until you can. Make yourself busy, exercise, go for a walk, etc.
**So many people completely deny ever looking at another human while they have a partner. It’s bullshit. If you’re human, you will be tempted, you will find someone else attractive, and you will occasionally get lusty wrong feelings for someone else. It doesn’t make you a cheater, or a sinner, or a bad person. It’s okay. I’ve been there and I have a story to tell. You’re not alone, and I understand the anxiety and guilt you feel when you do experience temptation. I truly hope that for the people who have experienced this and the follow up of undeniable guilt, the above strategies do help
AnneMarie
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